While We Were Away

I was hoping by now to be able to post a picture like this:

Or to FINALLY post this picture from 4 weeks ago:

However god had different plans for us and instead I will post this picture:

I was looking forward to telling everyone next weekend (Mother's Day) that I was pregnant and due in December... however that is not this post... the past few weeks have been really difficult for me... there is nothing more terrifying then when you think you are pregnant and start bleeding heavily...at first the doctors thought I was pregnant with twins and that I lost one twin...my blood levels continued to rise and there was still a visible sac on the ultrasound... after my ultrasound Thursday... there was no longer a baby at all... I had to have an emergency D&C Friday which is a procedure to remove any excess fetal tissue, because the fetal tissue is causing blood loss and the doctor feared my BP was starting to drop... She was also concerned the tissue may have been located in the fallopian tubes (luckily it was not)

I can't explain in words how difficult this loss has been for me... it is crazy how instantly attached to can become to a little embryo that is only 7 weeks old... I was -surprised- again this time that I was pregnant... we were planning on maybe trying this summer because a spring/summer baby is ideal for a teacher's schedule... however I am well aware one cannot plan these things and then this little baby appeared in our lives.... I was over the moon with excitement... perhaps because last time I found out i was pregnant it was a TOTAL SHOCK... and everything has turned out so beautifully I know that god always knows just what his plan is for me... This baby would be a perfect addition to our family... Frank really needs a sibling... he has been living the sweet life a little too long... haha

Perhaps there are now words one can ever say to a woman who just lost a bay to make her feel better... (unless you have gone through this type of loss)... I hate it when people tell me this was god's plan... because when I think of god I think of him as a loving and accepting god... not a god that would kill my baby... for me that is not a type of god I want to know and love... I like to think sometimes these things just happen... and it is GOD that puts the amazing people in my life to help support me through such a loss. My friends and Family have been amazing... I could not ask for a better husband, mother, father, mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister-in-law this week, My friends have been equally as wonderful and supportive. I am so thankful I already have one amazing baby otherwise i think this would be unbearable... I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers...

And while I am talking about loss and prayers, PLEASE keep this little girl in your prayers: Faith was born 7/27/2003. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 2/19/10! Her oncologist has given her 6 months to live. Although, she does not know the time line given she is aware if the situation.